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Movies We're Watchin'

The Bleepin' Komodo Episode

Instead of reviewing the A2 Smithee 18 clips (due to a snot-o-virus and an infested eyelid taking out two of the four watchers) we fired up another giant snake movie. I told you there were a couple more yet out there and now we can cross Komodo vs. Cobra off the list.

The movie starts in media res with two dudes and a chick running urgently through a tropical setting from something large and off screen. It's a sort of art-funky way of getting the film off the ground, but they might have wanted to pop in some sort of opening credit or any other kind of clue that the DVD player hadn't just hopped to the middle of a chapter somewhere. We had to pull up the timer to check and that's never a good sign. The trio comes to a skidding stop as lo! Up ahead in the clearing, stomping in all its magnificent CGI glory is a Komodo Dragon as big as a Gazebo! Or a house or a whatever it needed to be as big as at the moment. Guy number "Sucks to be me" freaks and runs. NOM! Komodo-snack. Guy number "I'm still alive" and chick boogie off into the water which will surely keep them safe!

And this it does for all of the five seconds it takes the As-big-as-something-really-really-big CGI King Cobra to CGI up behind guy number "I'm still alive…for the next five seconds". NOM!

One is the loneliest number. Roll opening credits.

The plot of KvC is pretty simple: The government convinces a group of scientists to use their giant plant growing DNA matrix on some Komodo Dragons and King Cobras. The scientists have some reservations about that, but there is also a lot of money involved and the research facility is located on a non extraditable island off of Bora Bora. Hey, the matrix can grow corn three stories tall, what's the worst that can happen if it is injected into a couple of King Cobras (already the world's longest venomous snakes and one of the deadlier ones due to the sheer volume of venom it can inject) and Komodo Dragons (the world's heaviest lizard which also houses over 50 strains of bacteria in its mouth)?

Not surprisingly, the research facility "mysteriously" misses a check in with their military overseers which prompts a scrambling of reptile snacks several recon and evac teams. The only point to the recon and evac teams is to provide shots of people being eaten by reptiles who have been injected with the same thing that makes corn grow three stories high. We shall not mention the SWAT snacks any more save to say that we discovered what is just slightly less funny than people on fire: People who have been swallowed whole save for their frantically flailing feet by a giant snake and/or lizard.

Meanwhile, in another part of the movie, a group of Earth First people have a plan to go out to Isle de Plot Point and expose 'Project Carnivore' and the cruel and unusual animal experiments that are going on. The large, tasty group of them charter a boat and head on out. Once on the island, they notice the ginormous corn and the fact that the research facility has been completely and hastily abandoned. I don't know about you, but my first question would have been "What eats corn that big?" And then I hope I would have said "Hey guys…project carnivore? Can't we just…go out and save some spotted owls or something instead?" But nobody in this movie did so we got to watch another 40+ minutes of people trying to run faster than the person next to them so they could be one further up on the snack list.

As Cobras and Komodos feast, the military big wigs realize that civilians now know about the project gone haywire and the order is set to firebomb the island to get rid of all the evidence, including the charter boat. Fortunately, for our heroes, there is a helicopter on the island and also fortunately, their number is nommed down to 4, the max seating capacity of the helicopter. Most fortunately for the skipper of the boat, he can fly a helicopter and the surviving three members of the Hors d'overs party are the three hot chicks.

Somehow they manage to helicopter off the island unnommed by reptiles and unnoticed by the two F-16 fighters that are tasked with firebombing the evidence. The end YAY! But wait! Apparently, the military only bothered to firebomb the cobra and komodo who were fighting over the fleeing snacks (oh yeah, right. The "vs." of the title consisted of 2 minutes of lame CGI wherein the cobra bites the komodo and the komodo bites the cobra and then BOOM they are bombed to bits). For there, left for dead on the lush island ground, we see one of the scientists open his unnaturally glowing eyes! And lash out with a lizard tongue! The ends for realz.

We had a plethora of Alases to choose from since there was a team of scientists, at least two recon units plus all the tasty Earth First red shirts to snack on. Our favorite though, was the fella who got caught trying to climb over a cattle gate and then stomped flat by a rampaging komodo. The recon guy who was yoinked off camera into the mysterious fog by a long lizard tongue was probably our second favorite. They never said how long the snake(s?) was/were (we never got a good idea of how many giant snakes there were but we were pretty confident that there were at least 3 giant Komodos) but I'm going to WAG at 70 feet because it looked about as big as the Boa or Python from Boa vs. Python. Lastly, and referencing the title of this post, for some reason the movie makers "bleeped" out the swear words with an obnoxious parrot squawk. An annoying, obnoxious, parrot squawk. An annoying, obnoxious, intrusive, parrot squawk. We don't know why, unless there is a category we don't know about called "Let's down the rating to PG".