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anonymous kph

R is for Rottweiler

Let us count the ways in which our protagonist, Dante (who looks like the poor man's Kid Rock) is foolish in the Paul-Naschy-starring-but-not-as-Waldemar-Daninsky film Rottweiler. I wonder how many dumb things he'll do?

Dante and his girlfriend are playing the game of Infiltration, essentially the LARP of illegal border crossing for stupid, bored rich kids (1). On the boat to Spain, one of the local elders reacts to a sudden mysterious mist as The Breath of Evil, but Dante scoffs at the warning (2). He tells his girlfriend that if anything happens, he would die for her (3).

Almost immediately, they are captured by the authorities, and separated out from the real refugees because, not to put too fine a point on it, they're peach people, and the African refugees are brown people.

Dante is thrown into a tough, no-nonsense prison, from which he almost immediately escapes. He starts to hallucinate about a robotic dog, and wanders off through the desert. After being captured by a guy with a rottweiler, he manages to kill both the man and the dog -- then steals the man's boots, because they're nice boots.

Another day of wandering, and Dante stumbles upon a group of heavily-armed men around a campfire. He walks up and asks for food (4). After the obligatory threats are exchanged, Dante eats their food and falls asleep (5).

While Dante sleeps, a mist creeps in. The Breath of Evil! It surrounds the dead rottweiler, and brings it back to life as an unstoppable robotic killing machine. Like Frank Sinatra risen from his grave, the now-undead rottweiler has Demonic Blue Eyes.

Dante awakens to find that his boots have been stolen, and his hand (where the rottweiler bit it earlier) is bleeding again. That's right, he's got Evil Dog Stigmata. He finds a convenient river, and bathes. Unfortunately for him, the dog catches up to him. Or more specifically, his clothes.

He crosses the river and runs around naked for a while. Quite a bit, actually. He's still nude when he taunts the robotic dog (6), at which point it stops fooling around and goes in for the kill.

Dante manages to escape, and fetches up naked at a farmhouse. The woman who lives there makes him put on pants, then forces him to remove them at gunpoint. And they have sex.

But the Dog Stigmata's acting up again. Dante takes the shotgun from the farm woman, and sticks it out through the doggie door (7), at which point the rottweiler rips the gun out of his hands. Everybody (Dante, farm woman, farm woman's daughter) bolts. The rottweiler runs after Dante for a while, then goes and kills the farm woman for spite.

Dante and the little girl hop a passing semi. The rottweiler catches the semi, and starts a-killin'. We will leave the girl at this point. Don't worry about her. She goes on to star in Pan's Labyrinth a few years later.

Dante finally makes it to the city where he's meeting his girlfriend. He can't find her anywhere, and the Dog Stigmata keeps going off at awkward moments. After beating up the dude who has tried to help him (8), Dante starts to recover some suppressed memories.

His girlfriend was forced to have sex with the guy who was in charge of the soldiers that caught them (Paul Naschy). And he got pissed off at her for being raped (9). And then she died, and was buried on the beach.

This beach! Right here! She's still buried here! He digs her up (10), and discovers that her body has not decayed. It's incorrupt!

The Guy In Charge shows back up, along with the dog -- it was his dog all this time! There is a fight, and dog plus owner are killed in a helicopter crash. But are they? Dog Stigmata says? BZZZZT! In a scene eerily reminiscent of a James Cameron unstoppable robot movie, the snarling blue-eyed robotic dog skeleton charges out of the wreckage of the flames, and Dante + dog make quite a tableau.

Especially the next sunrise, when they both lie dead -- skeletonized -- on the beach, alongside the skeleton of Dante's girlfiend.

So the final tally? Dante has at least 10 stupids to his credit. But in his defense, he never bought a copy of Rottweiler and watched it, like I did.