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UCon08 Voted

UCon Mini-Smithees 2008 Primaries

Greetings Smitheeites! This past weekend the Ann Arbor Smithee contingent held the Smithee Primaries (or Mini-Smithees if you prefer, I use them interchangeably when I write about them) at The University of Michigan's UCon. Around 29 of you showed up to vote and one of you showed up because that's where the stroller went. I think the adorable baby sorcycat is our youngest audience member yet if he is younger than three months old. Which he may be. If not, then he's the youngest Mini-Smithee attendee. He was a really well behaved attendee too, except when I stole his dragon. Note to self: Do not take the baby's dragon.

Including the gaggle of us, we're calling the attendance at 34 and a fraction with our top voting peak at 26. Nicely done all. The Guru and The Earl really appreciate everyone taking the time to come and offer up their opinion on the clips. It helps the two of them to decide what the best clips are to nominate for the show proper. That said, sometimes a clip gets bumped so if you came to the Smithee Primaries and remembered a certain clip winning yet it doesn't show up in the full show, this is why. We've been known to shuffle movies to different years (for various technical reasons) or sometimes The Guru and The Earl don't have a really strong clip category and The Sultan and Mr. Smithee take up the slack.

OK! Down to business. Per the usual post UCon write up, I'll note the first, second and third place winner (no numbers this year because numbers are pissing me off, Roger).

Piñata: Survival Island - Sorority/Fraternity competition triggers ancient curse and awakens a Piñata full of EVIL.

Voodoo Academy - Seminary college is a front for a demon to collect sacrifices.

Python - 129 foot all terrain vehicle snake capable of speeds exceeding fifty miles an hour, with skin that can deflect an anti-tank round, enhanced night vision, and voracious appetite for human flesh. It must be stopped.

G.I. BRO - Sneaky Sneaky wallet pick pockity.

Wizards of the Demon Sword (hall) - Shadow? What shadow of the escapees?

Humanoids of the Deep - Those are not the divers you are keeping a look out for.

Troll 2 - Welcome to the church of "Meat is EVIL!"

Black Rainbow - Spiritualism is crazy but telepathy is believable.

Battle Queen 2020 - We can't avoid inevitability and we won't make it to the future.

(1st place tie) Deadly Weapons - Random skinny dipper at the hotel pool.

(1st place tie) Evil Come Evil Go - I have a TV show, let me see you naked Sister Penny.

(2nd place tie) Deathstalker - Sword fight reveals a woman under the cloak.

(2nd place tie) G.I. BRO - We'll get to Switzerland after swimming with the skinny dippers.

Humanoids of the Deep - Why to not smoke in a fuel soaked engine room of a boat.

Python - "Dude. You got me out of bed for a snake?" NOM!

Dixie Dynamite - Death by toilet bomb.

Troll 2- Magical Dead Arsonist Grandpa Seth's double decker bologna sandwich.

Zeram - Deus Ex Steam Shovel assist to the timely arrival of the hero. Double Dues Ex win!

(3rd place tie) Message from Space - I quit, except my glowing drink of the gods says I shouldn't.

(3rd place tie) Western Palace - The others went on ahead, I came back to see if you needed any help.

(1st place tie) Curse of the Swamp Creature - Bald, ping pong-eyed Brenda.

(1st place tie) Zeram - Zeram in its Frisbee to angry turkey phase.

The Killer Shrews - Shrews look a lot like Papier-mâché rat costumes on Golden Retrievers.

Devil Girl From Mars - Negative-nuclear perpetual motion power.

Equilibrium - Analyzing all possible fight outcomes to create a Gun Kata

Curse of the Swamp Creature - Moving animals up and down the evolutionary chain through surgery.

Wizards of the Demon Sword - "FOOL PROOF PLANS ARE HARD TO COME BY, SON!"

Black Rainbow - "Agnostic Asshole."

Python - "It would be highly expedient if you did believe this horse shit."

Western Palace - In ancient China, eunuchs had a lot of authority and the power hungry Wang was no exception.

Eat My Dust! - See Opie go burzerk! And look at our cheesy beautiful movie poster front cover too.

Evil Remains - Scarier than [a bunch of better movies] and not starring any of the people on the cover.

Bloodmoon - Pierced, slashed, kicked through a wall, smacked into a vase, jumped on and blown up.

Message From Space - Knifed in the head, thrown through a window and blown up in the engine room.

Black Rainbow - Waiting for the assassin with a platoon of automatic fire.

Evil remains - "He strangled our dog, that ain't normal."

Zeram - "I've done all the calculations, nothing can go wrong."

Dixie Dybnamite - "They can't make a move without us knowing about it" - *KABOOM!!*

Deathstalker - Mr. migrating tattoo-head.

Terror Squad - Somewhere near the Canadian border just off the coast of Indiana (Canadiana?).

Western Palace - Misdub gives hero heroin's line.

The Monster of Camp Sunshine - The most heavily defended nudist camp thanks to the prolific use of stock footage.

Troll 2 - Popcorn seduction scene.

Voodoo Academy - A little Jaweh on Yaoi action. It's sacrilicious!

Python - Go ahead and open the top secret crate, I say it's OK!

Troll 2 - Taunting trolls to impress the chick.

The Monster of Camp Sunshine - Let's not tell anyone about the monster; it would ruin Claire's birthday party.

Voodoo Academy - Voodoo dolls with superimposed heads. Meh!

Message From Space - Swimming in outer space! Be sure to warm up first.

Sword of the Valiant - Sean Connery's amazing animatronic head.

Bloodmoon - Confetti bomb because the psycho killer isn't a child murderer.

Deadly Weapons - Why dad, you were the murderer after all. BANG BANG everyone dies. Slowly.

Troll 2 - Yummy, mom's tasty. Want some Joshua?

Evil Come Evil Go (Cleo O'Hara) - Ah sha-al hay-ave mah own Tae-Vae show!

Deadly Weapons (Chesty Morgan) - Emote Chesty! Show us…ah hell here's a boob shot.

Wizards of the Demon Sword (Blake Bahner) - I am Thane of Bad Acting, perhaps you've heard of me?

Deadly Weapons - Kung-fu boob smothering scene.

Troll 2 - You do NOT piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!

Zeram - Truck vs. Zeram with bonus bicycle flinging action.

Everybody who came got the special promotional 'I Voted' button including our cyber stalker Patti (she showed up in meat space!). There was a totally vicious cool rumor that Stalker Ty might make the drive up to A2 for the Mini-Smithees but he got wind of incoming snow flurries and "wussed out". At least that's what his friend told me. His friend who made it to the show (although truth be told, I have no idea if his friend lives in the same place Ty does). I'm just sayin, Ty, if you want to hold onto that Smithee Stalker title you are going to have to keep an eye on StalkerPatti. She's not branded herself with Smitheeage (yet) but she's been making noises about attending the Origins show.

Then again, who knows what impressions the show had on this little fella. Could he be the new Smithee stalker? Have we resorted to corrupting them this early now? I just want to say that I heard not a peep from this little one the entire time he was here. Poor, poor Sorcycat…I think your son kinda dug the show.

-Your Friendly Neighborhood Promotions Ninja


lol. He's almost five months, and thus not a record holder alas. It was his first real opportunity though, as he was born two days before your previous show.
Well he has the record for the UCon Mini-Smithees then. Although if you had come to the show with him in tow this past spring he'd be for sure the Youngest Smithee Attendee ever. :)
Technically he attended when he was -2 months. Does that count? ;)
Indeed I am making noises re: Origins...if it happens after school gets out (June 10, I think), I think that Jeff and I will be there!
That was a great baby, btw. I'm the first to hear baby noises and I didn't hear a peep.
Just my random thoughts...

After the last Smithees I'll never see a boat explosion without thinking "There's no sign of fire", which earned my vote for ALAS, POOR YORICK for Humanoids of the Deep.

Message From Space struck me as a clear winner in Deus Ex Machina. It was, after all, the gods acting as machine.

I couldn't bring myself to vote for anything for worst Cover Copy. My standard for that is usually plot summary that wasn't from the movie.

Cutting Butter with a Chainsaw was very strong - all the nominees deserved to make the general election full show.

Chesty Morgan is apparently still alive, though she's 80 now.

Can't find the rest of my notes on what I liked or wondered about. Except, of course, this show had the right number of Basket Case</a> clips.
...as the only correct number of Basket Case clips is, in fact, 0.

Those movies make me wish for brain bleach.
I second LG's rule of Basket Case clips!

What's the latin for "my glass of whisky"? Because that seemed more a Deus Ex Wisky Glassium. Although, I kinda gotta like gods who show up in booze.