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Alien What

If I Only Had a Hasselhoff Icon for This Post

Happy New year, Smitheeites! So what did we do to celebrate a fresh year unsullied by Smitheeness? Why, watch Anaconda III: The Offspring of course! Giant snakes AND David Hasselhoff? Is there a better way to roll over a new year? OK, booze would be a good answer to that but thanks to lunargeography we were well covered in that department.

Two things before I get to my brief summary of A3:TO. One: They made an Anaconda 4! I love it when discs have oodles of trailers. Two: Oreo truffles are delicious and super easy to make (package o' crushed up Oreos mixed with a package of cream cheese, rolled into balls and dipped in chocolate. Wala! Tasty). Oh I guess there was a three as well in that I was worried that jumping from Anaconda 1 to Anaconda 3 was going to be confusing. In Anaconda 1, one of the Ices (I can't remember if it is cube or tea), John Voight and other tasty snacks go upriver for something and are harassed by a giant snake. In Anaconda 2 (Search for the blood orchid) there is something about a fountain of youth that is connected with the blood orchid. In A3, they develop a serum from the blood orchid and inject it into snakes because snakes conveniently aren't killed off by science.

After all, what do snakes have that humans don't? (We amused ourselves coming up with a loooong list for that question.)

I'm going to spoiler you some now so if you were planning on seeing this movie in a virgin state, just skip to another post or come back later after you've had your fill of the Hoff. Otherwise, here it goes: The test snakes escape. I think most of us saw that coming so it's not too much of a spoiler I hope. Both snakes, one male one female (and I think you see where this is going as well) head off into the Eastern European landscape to set up snake house. What is it with Giant Snakes and Chechnya? Seriously, isn't this the third Giant snake movie with Eastern European connections? And yes, there is a Chechnyan nomming scene. Of course there is.

The scientists head out to round up their AWOL snakes with an underprepared group of safari dudes (who were comprised of the poor man's Kenau Reeves, Helen Bohnam-carter, Michael Chickless and Martin Kove). It doesn't go well for them but for us? Gold babE! Giant snake movies make for great ALASes, worst F/X and a whole pack of Acting Appropriately Stupids. And in this particular case, a couple Deus Ex Hoffinas. Yes indeed, the Hoff saves the day. Twice.

The Hoff also isn't ageing as well as I think the Hoff would like to. I'm just sayin.

The movie wrapped up, we toasted the New Year and my final tally for feet of snake watched in 2008 came out to 779 feet. However, my total length of snake watched in one year (remember, Boa vs. Python was a late January flick) came out to 877. I love when movie scientists tinker snakes so that they grow so fast that I get an extra 40 feet per snake by the time the movie is over. I also love biology because mama snake gave me at least 18 more feet of baby snakes. And also mama snake probably gave the producers an excuse for Anaconda 4.

150 feet of snake from Boa vs. Python (one 70', one 80')
60 feet of Mega Snake
80 feet of Boa
129 feet of Python
170 feet of Python II (one 85', one ~85')
70 feet of Komodo vs. Cobra (estimated)
218 feet of Anaconda III: The Offspring

877 feet of snake YDT (from Boa vs. Python)

Technically, I have a few more days to try for quad digit footage of snake watched but I don't think I can get Anaconda 4 by then and I can't see Anaconda II taking up the slack if the two snakes from 3 are the only snakes in 2. Unless they have an extra 3 feet of snake in there somewhere.


I don't mean to concern you again, but I must admit that when I first heard the name of this movie (the first one) I could only think of "my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hon".

Badmovie had a great idea for the next theme movie night, but it escapes me right now. All I know is that it had something to do with fish and of course I requested that we somehow make the HUSH PUPPIES fit in!!
Actually, there were two. One was the Frankenfish theme. The other was the Human Tornado theme.

If it wasn't after midnight, I might have remembered what the second movie was for each theme. Although I suppose there's no reason that Hush Puppies can't be shoehorned into nearly any theme....